Seishun Gakuen Host Club
by vierblith
Summary: TezukaFuji. Crack, AU: What if instead of a tennis club, the Seigaku regulars became members of a Host Club? [includes a few other pairs][on hold because vierblith needs to STOP writing angst in crack]


**Seishun Gakuen Host Club**

Disclaimer: I own neither PoT nor Ouran High School Host Club… I could, in my dreams.

Warnings: shounen ai… OOCness… craziness… it IS crack. And a LOT of OCs (the Moe)

Pairings: TezuFuji, slight Golden Pair, slight Ah-Un Pair, slight InuiKai, slight MomoKai, slight YukiSanada, Slight AtobeJiro… actually, a lot of TeFu and slight every other pair – almost…

**a/n**: uhm… this is a sorry for all those who have been waiting for the OYIF and the Remembrance updates. I have only written a single line for OYIF and Remembrance Day Three is only half-done… and this one, well, it's been on hold since May. I'm not the one writing this… I swear! I mean… this is me when I don't get too serious. Fear the moe!

**Chapter One – WELCOME!!! **

**oOo**

_**THE THIRD MUSIC ROOM IS NOW OPEN!**_

_**(WELCOME!)**_

**oOo**

"Mamushi, pass me some of those sushi!" called Momo, who was seated in an armchair. Amorous eyes were following him closely.

"Fushuu," hissed Kaidoh, who was settled on a couch, crossing his arms. Right next to him was a girl, ogling up at his bandana. Kaidoh glared at the girl, but the latter just smiled as though mesmerized. "Get it yourself, baka!" he yelled back to Momo.

Infuriated, Momo rose from his seat and startled the ladies around him as well as the girl beside Kaidoh. "Did you just call me baka, eh, Mamushi? You want to fight?"

"Mn, nya," chimed in Eiji as he bit a slice of pineapple pie that his customer was spooning for him. "Stop fighting."

The two, however, didn't heed.

Kaidoh was on his feet, glowering odiously at the purple-eyed junior. "Why don't we fight now?" He asked so that his customer backed off and joined the other girls who were at one corner of the music room. The girls over the tea-table looked highly scandalized.

Momoshiro stomped across the room and grabbed the collar of Kaidoh's uniform.

Agitated, Oishi stopped serving the tea and glanced around him. Seeing the anxiety of their costumers, he started for his fighting kouhai. "Break it up!"

_Blag. Blag. Blag_.

Momoshiro had boxed Kaidoh's ears thrice, earning a collective gasp from the ladies.

Sighing and apologizing betimes, Oishi ushered the ladies out of the music room. "Our most sincere apologies," said Oishi courteously, terribly vexed. "We shall reopen at a later time."

A black-haired girl approached and patted Oishi's arm affably. "Don't worry, Oishi-kun, this will be over soon."

"But he looks cute when he's worried!"

Blushing, Oishi excused himself and closed the door.

**oOo**

_**THE THIRD MUSIC ROOM IS NOW CLOSED!**_

_**(Sorry for the Incovenience)**_

**oOo**

His glasses glinting deviously, Inui muttered, "This is very bad for business." He scribbled on his notes. "Today's sales will be minus 25 percent in food, 18 percent for services, 5.4 percent for future referrals." He tilted his head toward Momo's and Kaidoh's directions. No one could tell whether he was glaring under his glasses, but he might as well have been. The two, however, were too busy getting at each other's throats they didn't see Inui approach with a tankard of a blue runny concoction.

"This," said Inui darkly, "Is your Penal Tea."

Momo, who was kneeling over Kaidoh, stopped. His clenched fist hung in mid air as he felt the fluid run down his throat. He doubled up, dropped unconscious and splayed over Kaidoh.

"Get of me, ba – " Kaidoh, ashen, made a soft thump against the floor.

"Mn," started Kawamura worriedly, poring over his kouhai. "Are they dead?"

Ryoma watched the two and tentatively poked Momo's arms. "They're still alive."

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

"I love you!"

"Please marry me!"

Fixing his glasses, Inui turned his back to the unconscious juniors and said, "They're here."

Almost at once, Eiji settled himself to his beanbag and began patting a sleeping Himalayan cat. Kawamura strolled back to the sushi-counter and Ryoma plopped moodily down to his settee. Both Oishi and Inui strolled to the door.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Fuji-kun, please marry me!"

"Tezuka-sama! How many laps do you want me to run?"

"Sorry, we're late," said Fuji, his usual contagious smile was plastered on his face as he strode casually inside.

"Fuji-kun!"

Tezuka, on the other hand, did not say anything.

"It's all right, we're just about to open," reassured Oishi.

**oOo**

_**THE THIRD MUSIC ROOM IS NOW OPEN!**_

_**(WELCOME, again)**_

**oOo**

"What happened?" said Fuji as if a hundred women or so weren't hovering around him.

"Mm," started Oishi, "Momo and Kaidoh had another fight…"

Tezuka's brows twitched, causing a collective sigh from the costumers. "Make them run 20 laps when they wake up."

"Tezuka," called Fuji, smiling cheerfully, "I don't think you have to make them run laps…" he spotted the two figures (his own set of customers followed suit, looking utterly wistful at the two fallen figures).

"Since Tezuka and Fuji arrived," Inui started grumbling as his hands scribbled away, "there is 97 percent chance that we'll reach the daily quota. However, Momoshiro and Kaidoh in that state will reduce the probability to 94.7 percent – "

"Inui-san," called a brunette. She was settled on an armchair close to the door. "Don't fret too much."

"Reica-san," said Inui, acknowledging the woman.

"She is right," agreed another customer, who was seated across Reica-san. "This will do the club some good. As patrons, we recognize that potential."

"Yumi-san."

As Inui frowned in confusion, the two women nodded. Three. Two. One.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" several women squealed as if on cue.

Inui looked around for the source of commotion and realized that most of the customers where huddled around the passed out juniors. He walked forward. Of course the customers would be frightened by the state of the two. He blinked; he thought he heard a sniff. Then, another sniff came.

"How beautiful!" said a customer, dabbing a handkerchief on her eyes. "After a fight, here they lie together."

"Ah, yes… so beautiful."

Inui blinked again – with nobody knowing, of course.

"Don't you see, Inui-san?" asked Reica, who seemed to have appeared right next to Inui.

"This is a love that unfolds unconsciously," said Yumi.

Nodding in understanding, Inui scrawled furiously in his notes. "Oishi," he said without looking up. "When Momoshiro and Kaidoh fight, leave them be."

Oishi looked flabbergasted. "Even if they trash the place?"

"Ahh. According to my calculations, our profits will increase by 36.8 percent if they fight."

"If you're so sure, then," said Oishi, still in disbelief.

"Ryoma-kun!" started Sakuno, nervously looking down at a plate of cake. "Um – "

Ryoma waited impatiently for the girl to say something. He found himself bored and he merely stared back at the girl who did nothing but bake cakes for him.

"Eiji-kun, one more bite!"

"Nya, um!" said Eiji, grinning back at his patron ever so zealously. "O! Karupin!" He immediately jumped to his feet and somersaulted to follow the cat.

Thud.

"Eiji, be more careful," said Oishi patiently, looking down at his apron.

Finally getting hold of Karupin, Eiji eyed Oishi meekly. "Sorry, Oishi."

Oishi let out a broad smile. "Finish your tea, okay? And, then, make sure to brush your teeth."

"Hoi! Hoi!" said Eiji cheerfully, getting back to his patron's side, grinning sheepishly at her.

"Aww," cooed one of Oishi's tea-drinkers. "How sweet!"

"BURNING!"

"GREATO!" said his avidly watching customers as they saw the exchange and turned back to watch the sushi-making.

**oOo**

**A/N: **okay. I do scare me sometimes. Well, that was just an intro and it's under TezuFuji for some reason. The main one being… well, I am the one writing this, right? hope you could drop a review!


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